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When Your Child Is a Minor
The emotions associated with having placed a child for adoption
will always be a part of your life. As a way of dealing with your
grief, you might decide to try to find out how your child is doing.
If you were involved in a confidential adoption and you do not know
the identity of the adoptive family, the only way to find your child
is to contact the agency or attorney who arranged the adoption. Many
birth parents do this, even though the child is not yet 18.
If your adoption was confidential, you can write a letter "to the
file" of the child to explain the circumstances of the placement and
to tell the child that you love and wish the best for him or her.
This can be very therapeutic. And it can be tremendously helpful to
the child as well.
In one such case, the adoptive parents of an 11-year-old boy
placed as an infant called their adoption agency for assistance
because he was having self-esteem problems. He was convinced that
since he was placed for adoption, he must be worthless. Though he
and his adoptive parents had a good relationship, he expressed to
them that he felt "unlovable."
The agency social worker retrieved the boy's file and found that
the birth mother had recently sent a letter, her first communication
with the agency since the time of the placement. The letter
explained why she placed her child, in case he ever asked.
The adoptive parents read the letter to their son and they
discussed it at length. His self- esteem "shot up like a rocket." He
started to like himself more, do better in school, and get along
better with his friends. The adoptive parents were extremely
grateful. The adoptive and birth families have now started writing
letters to one another, without disclosing their identities and with
the agency acting as an intermediary—an arrangement that is working
out well for them.
You might decide to actually search for your child during the
child's minor years. If you find him or her, you will have to decide
if you want to contact the adoptive family or not. You might just
want to observe from afar. Those that contact the family get
different reactions. Some are positive and some are negative. You
must be prepared for both. (See the discussion that follows about
contact and reunion with adult adoptees.)
Birthmother, page 6
Resource: National Adoption Information
Clearinghouse
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