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Birthmother, page 4
A number of factors may have influenced your decision to place
your child for adoption. Yet, although each situation is different,
there are common threads that run through all adoptions. Birth
parents usually feel powerless and lack monetary and emotional
support. They may still feel social stigma, though the shame that
once prompted parents to place their pregnant daughters in maternity
homes to hide the pregnancy is slowly fading.
The following paragraphs describe experiences that you or those
you know may have gone through. These experiences are divided into
three time periods, and the specific coping issues for each period
are addressed.
Birth and Placement
Under any circumstances, giving birth is an important event in
the life of a woman and her partner. But giving birth knowing that
the baby will be placed for adoption adds another dimension.
The birth experiences of women who placed a child for adoption
are varied. Jones' book gives many examples. For some, the birth
took place in an ugly back room of a maternity home, with very
little medical care. For others, it took place in a bright, cheerful
hospital with their partner, family, and preselected adoptive
parents nearby. For many it was somewhere in between. Some were
allowed to see their baby. Some held the baby, named the baby, and
were given some time to say goodbye. Others had their baby whisked
away by nurses who said it would be easier that way. Some had lots
of emotional support, others did not.
Women interviewed by Jones described a number of reactions and
emotions after the baby was placed. For some, after recovering
physically from giving birth, the reality of what had happened sank
in. To make it hurt less, they denied that what they had gone
through was important. Other people also acted like it was no big
deal and said the mother should just go back to whatever she was
doing before she had the baby. Many women did just that.
Some women became angry, either at their parents, their partner,
the adoption agency, or "society." They acted out, stole, lied,
stayed out late, quit school, or got involved with a bad crowd.
Or, they turned their anger inward and became depressed. They
decided that they were absolutely worthless. They believed the
people who said they were no good. They started to take drugs, drink
a lot of alcohol, or drive carelessly.
Some birth mothers get stuck in this phase for a long time,
moving from denial to anger to depression over and over again. Birth
mothers who get out of this cycle of emotions usually do so by doing
one or more of the following things:
- Going to counseling;
- Talking with supportive family members or friends;
- Attending birth parent support group meetings;
- Writing their feelings down in a story or poem;
- Writing letters, even if they are not sent, to their child;
- Holding a private ceremony each year on their child's
birthday.
All of these are positive methods for dealing with grief and
accepting the loss.
Birthmother, page 5
Resource: National Adoption Information
Clearinghouse
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